COVID-19 and my Personal Fear

Source: abd7chicaho.com

Flattening the curve. Self-isolation. Social distancing. Tele-commuting. Herd immunity. We are hearing a few new terms at this time. We are living with an unprecedented situation, one that has serious repercussions for almost every area of our lives – whether personal, familial, ecclesial, Eucharistic, communal, academic, work, financial, physical and mental and spiritual health, sports and entertainment and shopping, and just about everything in our life.

Other than hiding in bed, name just one area that is not being influenced.

I’ve never thought of myself as an unusually fearful person. I have a fear of things such as spiders, snakes and heights. I only experience a normal level of anxiety. I’ve written on this blog so often with quotes from Jesus about not being afraid. I have often spoken about fearlessness in homilies.

I’ve given spiritual direction and classes to countless people where I remind people of that call to let go of anxiety and fear. But this – COVID 19 – has unleashed something different in me, and, I suspect, most others. Why? I suppose that the rational part of me can tell myself that I am just a victim of the mass hysteria that is sweeping the globe.

There is certainly something to be said for that. Is our constant supply of news and updates and advisories and cancellations making things worse? Probably, but there is still an inner fear.

I’ve become almost obsessed about things like door handles, taps, keyboards, and the like. Is it irrational? Is it because I’m over 60, and, therefore, among those that are more at risk than the younger? Is it because a religious community is more difficult to keep clean and consistent than a family home?

I am anxious and afraid. I am offering sessions on the Spiritual Exercises each Monday this month. A week ago I had to get to the venue by GO (commuter) Train and the TTC (local transportation in Toronto). I was terrified once I realized that I had touched many surfaces. I sat in my seat on the subway and kept my hands in my lap.

I didn’t touch my face. Nor did I reach for my phone. I got off at my station and headed immediately for a drugstore and purchased hand sanitizer. I eventually got home safe and sound, had a shower, and threw my clothing in the washing machine.(I’m grateful that the remaining sessions will be offered by video chat on social media.)

I know that I am not alone. And, to be honest, I am probably more fortunate than others.

I live in a situation where it is relatively easy to self-isolate, with the exception that a religious community can’t easily control who is around and, even, who last touched that handle or counter top. I’ve taken to touching doorknobs and handles with a paper towel and washing my hands over and over.

There are plenty out there with spiritual advice in this dangerous time. You have probably heard of, or read Fr. James Martin’s excellent piece from AMERICA magazine: https://www.americamagazine.org/faith/2020/03/13/faith-time-coronavirus  What is the solution? It’s almost trite to say, fear not.

I think that we are being called to a deeper level of spiritual depth, one where we truly let nothing disturb us as we take as many precautions as possible. Let’s start by naming our areas of fear and recognize what it is that it is most disturbing us.

We may be banned from gatherings over a certain number, but nothing is preventing us from reaching out to others in ways that we know are safe.

Let’s maintain a sense of humour. Indeed, there are many humorous stories at this time. Let’s show our fear that we have control over it. I can’t control the virus or the weather, but I can determine what my reaction will be. Even if you can’t be calm, be strong and carry on.

Philip Shano, SJ has many years of rich and varied experience working with Ignatian spirituality: teaching, writing and using it in his ministry. He resides in the Jesuit community in Pickering, Ontario.

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12 Comments
  • Suzanne renaud
    Posted at 01:17h, 20 March Reply

    Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. We are all in the same boat experiencing the same waves of fear, uncertainty and at times anger. For us,however, are blessed to have the words of God, through the bible to comfort, console us, for a time every day.

  • Peter Bisson SJ
    Posted at 01:23h, 20 March Reply

    Thank you Philip!

  • Caroline Maloney
    Posted at 03:33h, 20 March Reply

    Thank you, Fr. Philip, for your very honest and hopeful reflection.
    I said the rosary today with Fr. James Martin, live, over Facebook (2:00 pm mountain time) when apparently Pope Francis was saying the rosary in Rome for the end of this virus! Overall, a neat and new experience of community prayer….via Facebook!
    As you say, The fear is so real for seniors (I’m over 70) even though Jesus tells us to not to fear! The anxiety and stress can be exhausting, as it was today. I didn’t even get out to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day! I guess we just take this a day at a time, trusting it will all be okay!

  • Caroline Maloney
    Posted at 03:36h, 20 March Reply

    Thank you, Fr. Philip, for your very honest and hopeful reflection.
    I said the rosary (the luminous mysteries) today with Fr. James Martin, live, over Facebook (2:00 pm mountain time) when apparently Pope Francis was saying the rosary in Rome for the end of this virus! Overall, a neat and new experience of community prayer….via Facebook!
    As you say, The fear is so real for seniors (I’m over 70) even though Jesus tells us not to fear! The anxiety and stress can be exhausting, as it was today. I didn’t even get out to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day! I guess we just take this a day at a time, trusting it will all be okay!

  • Caroline Maloney
    Posted at 03:40h, 20 March Reply

    Sorry, the post copied twice! Stress!

  • Sharon Walters
    Posted at 09:53h, 20 March Reply

    How can we access the remaining sessions on the Spiritual Exercises?

  • Catherine von Zuben
    Posted at 10:31h, 20 March Reply

    Thank you Philip for sharing your thoughts and also James Martins’ link. I am surprised that you are so fearful living in community with others who are most probably in a similar self -isolation. It seems to me that you are really blessed to be where you are. Manresa is as close to heaven as any place I know. Go for a walk in the beautiful woods; visit the chapels; cheer up and give love to the wonderful priests living in your infirmary. Be grateful for all we have. Know that you, Philip are loved by all who know you.

  • Sylvia Lee
    Posted at 12:02h, 20 March Reply

    Thank you Fr. Philip for sharing the psychological states of many of us experiencing nowadays.

    What a special time we are all going through this Lenten season !

    Hope all the suggested measures will help to flatten the curve and even plank the curve soon. For this, we pray to the Lord !

  • Norm Stewart
    Posted at 13:41h, 20 March Reply

    Thanks for sharing Philip . I’m looking out from our den window at Lake Ontario . The wind is roaring and pushing along beautiful cumulus clouds . The sun on the water is giving it a lovely shade of blue . Despite the troubles facing the world , I feel blessed . Patti and and went for our daily walk this morning . The last few weeks have been particularly uplifting . We keep a “social distance” but this doesn’t stop us from saying hello and asking how people are doing . There is no doubt in my mind that this social interaction is needed and beneficial , especially during this difficult time . We spoke to one of our neighbours who received good news about his Stage 4 cancer . It is now in remission . There is goodness in the world and we all felt blessed .

    Talk to you soon Philip .

    Love , Norm and Patti

  • Grace Colella
    Posted at 13:41h, 20 March Reply

    Thank you for suggesting James Martin’s article. It has helped me to stay calm too.
    Keep well Philip!

  • Rick Benson
    Posted at 15:18h, 20 March Reply

    Thanks Philip. Yes we are in unique times. The Excercises and Christian Meditation gives us a great deal of coping strength
    Blessings
    Rick

  • Le travail apostolique numerique au temps de Covid-19 : Comment les jésuites et les non-jésuites s’adaptent | La Compagnie de Jésus
    Posted at 17:12h, 30 March Reply

    […] Être ensemble n’a jamais été aussi difficile qu’en ces temps de COVID-19. Les jésuites et les non-jésuites du monde entier font cependant preuve de créativité en se connectant davantage par voie numérique avec leurs collègues et ceux qu’ils servent. En effet, «je pense que nous sommes appelés à un niveau de profondeur spirituelle plus profond, un niveau où nous ne laissons vraiment rien nous déranger en nous adaptant et en prenant autant de précautions que possible», a écrit Philip Shano, SJ. […]

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