Good morning, class.
Today’s topic is: NHL hockey — Big League or Bush League?
Yes, we have to go there after Saturday night (January 18, 2014) , when the Vancouver Canucks and Calgary Flames re-enacted that classic hockey movie Slapshot by starting a brawl off the opening faceoff.
Once the final whistle (mercifully) blew, the referees had assessed 204 minutes in penalties, and Kellan Lain, a new Canucks bruiser playing his first game in the bigs, set an NHL record for being ejected two seconds into the start of his career.
As amazing as all that was, it was nothing compared to what happened between the first and second period, when Canucks coach John Tortorella decided to invade the Calgary dressing room in an attempt to get to Calgary coach Bob Hartley, no doubt to enter into a dialogue about fostering peaceful coexistence.
Tortorella has been suspended for 15 days without pay to cool off, but enjoys a hero’s status in Vancouver, where he’s being hailed as some kind of hockey warrior god who sticks up for his guys.
Of course, the whole episode is not playing so well outside Metro Vancouver. In fact, Peter Gammons, who works for Major League Baseball, went as far as to tweet, “Calgary and Vancouver last night reiterated why the NHL is a minor sport.”
Wounded hockey fans wanted to know who the hell this Peter Gammons is, and I guess it won’t matter that he was America’s National Sportswriter of the year in 1989, ’90 and ’93 and received an honorary Poynter Fellowship from Yale. Betcha he’s a pussy.
Meanwhile, hockey fans are still getting a buzz off the Winter Classic on New Year’s Day when 100,000 turned up in a snowstorm to watch the Leafs beat the Red Wings. See? Ain’t no minor sport.
So is a sport that features the on-ice equivalent of a barroom brawl right from the opening faceoff a minor sport or not? And speaking of minorities, I never feel more minor than when I’m at the arena and a couple of goons drop their gloves. Thousands of otherwise sane and rational moms, dads, friends and lovers leap to their feet and let out a bloodthirsty roar of approval. The only thing better, apparently, than two goons, is 10 goons.
At least, say hockey’s apologists, we no longer have bench-clearing brawls. Well, that’s a relief. Now all we have to do is put an armed guard outside the opposing team’s dressing room in case Coach decides to go postal between periods.
Oddly enough, I still believe pro hockey is big league. The brilliance of the playmaking, skill and speed somehow survives the worst efforts of its most dedicated cavemen.
And you’ll be pleased to hear a recent survey shows that fighting has declined. There are only 0.88 fights a game! It’s the dawn of civilized hockey.
Now if someone would just tell the coach.