What exactly is “country” music?

The reason I ask is that I watched the Country Music Awards the other night and whatever it was they were celebrating, it’s a long way from Hank Williams, Hank Snow and all them other down home Hanks.

I’m not sure most of the performers could find the country even with a GPS. It must be that green stuff they fly over when they’re going to L.A., the current home of country music.

Of course, we’ve come to expect that Mammon trumps the Muse when it comes to music awards, but even the Grammys have more creative edge than the CMAs. At the Grammys, Sia sang her number one hit Chandelier facing the wall, and never once looked into the camera. Maybe it was a protest against the homogenization of country music. 

Exhibit A: Carrie Underwood, country’s ruling diva. With your eyes closed, I defy you to tell her from Celine Dion. Even with your eyes open, Carrie’s an homage to Celine: a festival of over-the-top chest pounding, fists in the air, hair blowing in the wind machine.

I guess you could argue that Las Vegas is in the country. And the fountain in front of the Bellagio, that’s the ol’ swimming hole.

Then there’s the award winning Country Group, Little Big Town. Lovely harmonies, but danged if they don’t look and act like Abba with a slight twang. Is that Swedish?

Or how about Keith Urban? Of course, Keith is from Australia, where country is called the outback. He should be at the OMAs, the Outback Music Awards, held annually at Ayers Rock.

For most male country singers, the big decision seems to be “Hat? No hat?” The new generation of country music singers, e.g. the Florida Georgia Line boys or Luke Bryan, forgo the cowboy hat altogether, leaving it to their older brothers like Jason Aldean or Tim McGraw.

The size of the hat seems important. Garth Brooks, the Eminem of country music, made a rare cameo appearance at the CMAs, and Garth made sure there was no doubt about who’s got the biggest hat. His was at least 10 gallons, er, 37.8541178 litres.

My wife’s theory is that it depends on how much hair they have. Garth Brooks is follicle-challenged. Keith Urban has reliable hair even if he is from Oz.

If there’s any doubt that what goes as country music today is as grassroots as astroturf, every once in a while,  a real country music star wanders out onto the stage. This year’s Ghosts of Actual Country Music were George Strait and Loretta Lynn. You can just tell they didn’t learn their accents at the mall. You can’t fake authenticity. You’re either a coal miner’s daughter or you’re not. Unfortunately, the two of them are about 160 years old. Both knockin’ at heaven’s door.

Final proof that pop culture has swallowed country and spit out the hayseeds: the inexplicable appearance of divalet Ariana Grande, that country sensation from Boca Raton, Florida, who began her career singing on cruise ships.

Bon Voyage, y’all.